I have a confession....

I saw these words on Instagram this week and they thoroughly resonated with me. 

Given the goal of this blog is generally inspiration for good health &happiness, this is a harder post for me to write. The truth is, I don’t feel like I’ve been an inspiration to anybody of late. Not even a little bit. In fact last weekend before I even saw this quote (and of course re-gramed it!) I told a good friend that I currently feel a little broken. Unhealthy too.

My blog posts have been more infrequent lately as a result. I just haven’t felt like I can authentically offer much to others. How can I when I haven’t been looking after myself?

So, in an effort to both get myself back on track and live my truth, today I am going to peal back the layers of why I’ve lost my focus somewhat. This may get ugly.

  • I have not been successful in releasing the attachment & pain related to my last relationship. Added to that it was a short one and I am disappointed in myself that this is the case.
  • After the relationship finished, I went a bit off the rails in terms of making healthy choices on the food and alcohol front.  10 months later I have still not returned to the well-balanced version of me I was before it. I have put on about 10 pounds (4 or 5kg) over this period (too scared to weigh myself hence the about).
  • There have been notable short term improvements (the Whole 30 in November and then I ordered the very amazing Sakara delivery for the month of February and had some success). However, on both occasions I followed them up with indulgent vacations and putting the weight back on.
  • Fact.  I have been a yoyo dieter my whole life.  Whilst I thought I’d broken through this cycle when I read and practiced ‘The Rules of Normal Eating’’ I was wrong. Emotional upheaval sent me back to old coping mechanisms.
  • I seem to live between two versions of myself – strict and controlled (thin & rested) and out of control (lots of fun).  I struggle to achieve something in between. I mean it has happened but never in a way that transformed me long term.
  • I am torn between two lifestyles – 1/NYC based business woman,  constant traveller, high energy, busy (often times stressed), indulgent, fun, coffee drinking, margherita lover 2/ health coach, yoga teacher, tea sipping, family focused, down to earth, beach loving me. To be fair I am all of these things - always. But I do seem to bounce between behavioral extremes.
  • Moving was stressful and that combined with regular work travel, yoga teacher training, turning 45, having family medical emergencies at home & a lot of client entertainment lately have left me frankly stressed & exhausted.
  • Exhausted me is not happy me.  It’s also a vicious cycle, I feel rubbish, so I eat rubbish. I drink, I don’t sleep well. I am sluggish.  Repeat.
  • My feet /ankles are an ongoing problem. I miss running with every part of my being. Yes I’ve tried lots of other cardio but nothing feels as good. My latest injury, of a fracture in my right ankle is 11 weeks old and I’ve still got swelling. So for now, I am not running. At least I have yoga..... 

So there you have it. I wrote most of this post two weeks ago. The next day I started eating more mindfully. I’m always a work in progress and this is no exception.

I finished yoga teaher training on thew weekend. Pending results, I am now a qualified yoga teacher (yay). And I’m going to take a long break from studying. As much as I’ve loved it, I know I need (crave) more free time in my life right now. Time to look after me – from the inside out.

For the record I am far from depressed. That said, the low constant buzz of less than a healthy lifestyle has me sometimes feeling much flatter than I would like. It’s time to shift the gears. With this post, consider them shifted.

Do you ever feel a bit broken?  How do you work your way out of it?  Please share away – after all a problem shared is a problem halved.  The first step is now.