Inch by inch

I wrote last week about my committment to start beefing up my good wolf.  To really changing my thought patterns.  I have been trying. I really have. But as I suspected this process is not fast or easy. Indeed I feel like my automatic reaction is in the other direction, like I've built a neural path way over time. Which is why it's also going to take time to retrain myself toward my more natural state of being. That state of being called love. Love in the form of kindness, compassion, peace, empathy, generosity, forgiveness and hope. 

Have you ever experienced chronic pain? I am very lucky that whilst I have a desmoid tumor and they are known to cause chronic pain, mine does not. Sure I've had stretches of pain before. My mastectomy being the pinacle of all that. But I had plenty of drugs to manage my way through and it all seems a distant memory now.

I bring this up because I am currently experiencing chronic pain. Back pain specifically. It started after I took surfing lessons this summer then surfed for hours each day for a few days after that. In typical me fashion I tried my absolute hardest on the board which meant paddling my little heart out. Even when my back was already aching. I followed this up with another Yvette special - running 10 miles while nursing said back pain. Not my brightest move. It's now been a week and a half since that run and my pain hasn't subsided. In fact it's worse if anything. I've had many moments lying in bed with tears in my eyes as even taking pain killers, I can not get comfortable due to my throbbing back. 

Anyway, I am not writing all of this to bring me or anyone else down. Instead it's to say that sometimes, no matter our best intentions, life gets in the way of embracing the good stuff. Sure I've had some moments of good, green juices, a yoga class that felt great, some spectacular sunsets (in LA for work). But it's really hard to feel like pure love when you are in pain. That's human and true.

My back has slowed down my ability to focus on my good wolf. Work travel has prevented me from really getting it the help it needs. But tomorrow I will be back home in NY and I'm going to focus on seeing the right people to put me on the path to recovery. This too shall pass.

As I write this I am on a plane from LA to NY.  I decided to take the opportunity to allow myself to spend time feeling sorry for myself - which I rarely do (kind of bad wolf stuff I know). I wrote in my journal (well typed in my e-journal) and it poured right out of me. Every little thing that has caused me pain in the last few years. I let myself thoroughly feel it. I cried for lots of things from the big stuff (like losing my beautiful friend to breast cancer) to the small stuff (like my current back pain). I believe in doing so I helped make way for healing. After a break, I then wrote a journal entry about love and hope. It reminded me of my natural state, one that I am inching my way back toward. I can already feel the small and positive shift in me this exercise achieved.

If you read this blog and you suffer from chronic pain, I want to take the opportunity to say I feel you. I hope you get the love and support you need, that you find the right help to manage it. That when you find relief you relish it. That you soon return to health and happiness. This is my wish and prayer for you.  And in the meantime, let me know if there's any support I can offer, even it's just to lend an ear when times are tough I am here with two of them and they work great sore back and all.

Today if you've been going through some challenges of your own and trying to keep a lid on them take that lid off. Spend time allowing yourself to feel your emotions intensely. When you've done that have a stretch and take a few deep breaths. Then redirect your thoughts. And like I did remind yourself of all the beauty and love inside of you that deserves to be nourished. When you are finished tell me, did you feel a shift too?